Think hard. Have you ever received a party favor that you remember? Fondly? If you’ve given out party favors, did you put anything more than a perfunctory amount of thought into what form they would take? Of course you didn’t. And that’s nothing to be ashamed about…yet. Because if you come away from this post without entirely transcending your entire worldview on party favors, you probably should be ashamed. As should I, for having failed you.

Onwards!:

1. Something practical: A mini vacuum cleaner

A party favor must be above all cute, and above all except cute, small. This mini vacuum cleaner meets those criteria gloriously, and your guests’ enduring cleanliness will be a constant reminder of how awesome you were and are.

2. Something utterly random:
Either a picture of or gift certificate for a ride on this thing:

3. Something alive:
a. A fish, not so large that it won’t make a good pet, but not so small it doesn’t make a good meal.
b. A greyhound puppy, so that your attendees can continue to cultivate the relationships they’ve forged at your event by getting together and racing them at some future date

4. Something retro:
Especially good if your guests are coming from far away and have a long trip ahead of them. You can probably get like 50 Gameboys for $10, and you can invite those who have no use for them to bring your event to a close by smashing them ceremoniously on the floor.

5. Something socially useful:
Have all of your guests write down an idea for a service project, hold a vote on which project the guests would most like to see carried out, then give the money you would have spent on party favors to fund this project.

Wow—-that last one was almost too serious for this list. At least no one can say I didn’t give you a variety of options. Now that you have the tools to not be lame with your party favors, go forth and be completely ridiculous.